Reply to the OPEN LETTER of "THE" MADRASAN

(This is a reply to a RUDE letter in the same way. Personally, I have South Indian friends and they rock..!!)

Dear Madrasan,

Satsriakal from the North of India, or as you may like to believe, from the Punjabi world. I never thought of living in your self acclaimed "evolved" part of India but I am still alive, spirited and full of life. Though I haven't been in a relationship with you or your kin (now I thank my instincts), it's not hard to make out that arrogance, snobbishness and false self pride are your ingredients as much as grounded rice, urad dal and maida are for dosa.
Your reputation hasn't flown anywhere except your 5 states (there maybe 6 but we care the least) just like your superstars, who people mistake for spot boys elsewhere. I understand your obsession with saris as it takes a real beauty and proportionate body to look good in fitted Punjabi salwar kameez or skinny Levi's. I wonder why your film makers rope in Punjabi girls if there is a pool of beauty in your own paradise of south and your guys go crazy for them as if they don't have the opposite sex in their own species. You can boast about your body strength but that doesn't match with the evolutionary idea of a man and a woman. We have better things to do than wrestle with an idli maker. Congratulations on your matriarchal family system if it ensures gender equality or oppression of men but I don't see zero rapes in your world or ladies ruling the roost anyways. India has seen many lady administrators from the President to PM to CM to Governors and I am sorry to say but the so called North has been the major provider of such fairer sex. Jayalalitha is your only hope and if one day northies too turn so dumb to vote for showbiz, she'll become the PM.
If you think driving an SUV, having fancy gadgets and enjoying in pubs is synonymous to attitude problem then you need to see the world outside those parameters of books, IITs and moustache. It's not our problem that that you think that bucks are to be kept in banks just because both start with a "b". Amazingly you boast of your English but can't get out of that beautiful accent ever. If you think knowing the correct grammar makes you a super woman then please fly up and up and give your classes on Mars. Even people up there would tell you that "L" is not "yell or hell".
Good to learn that since the age of five you love your southie guys (I hope they start liking you too). Yes we were brought up listening to Gurdas Mann, attending election rallies and knowing about happenings around because we believe in overall development of the brain. If you don't know about Devinder Bhullar then we blame it on your GK which you thought was just little less than an encyclopedia. We weren't taught that chess is the only game you should play and classical music is the only truth of life.
 If one of us falls in love with one of yours (still thinking of an example) then yes, we Punjabis have hearts big enough to follow your traditions and marry you. Now that doesn't mean your mallu aunties can spill all shit on us. A Punjabi woman is capable enough of handling tens of yours and making fried pakoras out of their dis proportionate voluptuous flesh and then burp so loud that your lungi uncles would go deaf. We like to celebrate and thus you may see gunfire on our weddings. Make sure your relatives don't run helter skelter like mice on watching such flamboyance.
As far as you not liking us goes, I again say it doesn't matter because we like girls who are girls. We like them  talking like birds, shopping like there's no tomorrow, clubbing and dancing like free souls and not at all trying to be a GUY. We like tandoori chicken and masala dosa side by side but hate people doing hare rama hare krishna on watching any non veg on their table. Did your parents forget to talk about table manners with you while they were telling you that keep a distance from North Indians because they drove us down during Aryan invasion? Lastly on the black colour, it's strange how you crib and cry on your color. If you are so ashamed of it, stop calling yourself an Indian and get layers peeled of your skin until you find an appropriate colour. About getting irritated on receiving messages of gurpurabs, learn to be tolerant and open to new things in life, there's a world beyond uttapams and temples not allowing dalits.
This letter has to stop and be limited just like your outlook of the world.
In the end I would like to stress that we can wear lungi and still not look cheap like your heartthrobs, we can eat sambar, rice and rasam and still look civilized with clean hands and we can keep a moustache which looks like a manhood symbol and not a black tape.
Next time you vomit your shit, a Punjabi guy can cut your tongue leaving you as a dumb (literally) self acclaimed dark chick.

Yours
Punjabi Gabru
(Everyone can call me that because we take pride in our origin.)

- Jass Oberroi